In Spirit and Heart
by Aquamarine Crystalline
Summary: The ups and downs, the beauty and fun, the smiles and tears, the friendship and love... What does it mean to live with a spirit in your heart? These are the tales of Judai's renewed life alongside Johan. Spiritshipping -Companion fic to Sharing a Heart-


Hello, this is Rine-Line, bringing you my third Yu-gi-oh GX fanfiction, and the companion fic of 'Sharing a Heart'!

I'm glad many of you were touched by 'Sharing a Heart'. It really was emotional, I guess. But now this is the companion fic I offered, which aims to explain loopholes in the story.

However, this multi-chap does not contain loopholes only. This fic also contains scenes and side-stories that never made it to the original 'Sharing a Heart', for length reasons. It was already 28 pages then so I couldn't insert these. Of course, that only means more Spiritshipping! xD

**Fandom: **Yu-gi-oh GX

**Type: **Alternate Universe (AU) Companion Fic

**Genre: **Romance/Drama

**Pairing: **It was only light in 'Sharing a Heart' but here it's more obvious: Spiritshipping (JohanxJudai)

**Rating: **T

**Warnings: **Shounen-ai, emotional drama

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Yu-gi-oh GX.

**Chapter Setting**: Judai's school life after his heart transplant

This chapter is dedicated to the following fellow Spiritshippers:

Karoomy-chan- For the long and meaningful review in 'Sharing a Heart' which inspired me.

Katsuya Weller- For always being there to read and review my fics. And oh dear, I can't believe you recommended 'Sharing a Heart' in your profile! It made me so happy!

Manalio- For all the heartfelt reviews and encouragement, and for making the cutest Spiritshipping AUs!

And now, prepare your tissues, because this is another tear-jerking chapter!

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**Guilt**

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At first, it was constant and the usual, up and down it went, constrained by a fixed rhythm. But after a few minutes, the cadence became erratic, as if something suddenly came and disturbed the peaceful pace viciously.

This was something that can't be normally felt by a person.

But Johan could feel it. He'd learned to tell new and different sensations that he'd never experienced when he was alive and was feeling now as a spirit in a heart. Feeling as a human and feeling as a heart had their similarities and differences, but in this particular situation, what he felt being one with a heart was the one providing the information about the situation.

This irregular beating of the heart could only mean one thing.

Judai was crying.

0-0-0-0-0

The days felt so slow, although Johan had difficulty keeping track of time, and could only deduce so when Judai would greet him mentally with a 'Good morning' or a 'Good night'. It was one of the downsides of being unable to see and hear but Johan was content with what he was able to do and feel.

The brunette was busy with school activities, mostly homework and sometimes exams. To everyone, Judai was coping well with life after near-death; he followed the doctor's prescriptions despite grumbles on why couldn't they make medicine sweet, and he was adjusting to his studies, no matter how difficult they may be.

He was smiling.

But deep in his heart, there was something bothering him that he was trying hard not to show everybody.

There was only one person he could not keep it from.

That was Johan.

0-0-0-0-0

He could not read Judai's mind but he could certainly recognize Judai's emotions. However, this was a case wherein feelings weren't enough to figure out what exactly was making the brunette sad.

And it frustrated Johan. But he didn't really want to say he was angry with Judai, not when it could possibly make the brunette more depressed than he already was. Furthermore, as much as he hated to admit it, he was infuriated with himself as well. He was already dead, his mission as a human was most likely over. But by some miracle, his soul was merged with a heart. He didn't like to think of it as doing so because he had nothing else to do or as some mission as a spirit, but really, he honestly wanted to support Judai.

Like a living good friend.

0-0-0-0-0

Judai turned off the lights before he lay down on his bed, pulling up the covers. The night was a little chilly; making him shiver a bit before he comfortably settled himself in the protection of his blanket.

He slowly closed his eyes as he bid Johan good night like always.

Johan said 'Good night' as well but there was something different about the tone of his voice. Judai wondered why but he was too sleepy to take the time to think about it.

He only had a moment to ponder why it seemed like Johan was wistful when he said that before the darkness of the night engulfed his consciousness.

0-0-0-0-0

He hadn't really meant to say it like that, but the worry for Judai was truly taking its toll on him. He couldn't just suddenly vent out his qualms by asking Judai. Somehow, he feared he would be adding to Judai's worry by doing that.

Because that's how Judai was, as Johan knew him.

It might have been an hour or maybe it had been half the night, Johan didn't know and had no way of telling, but like the past night, there it was again. The irregular thumping of Judai's heart. The blood flowing in a scramble everywhere as lungs tried to gulp for air, shoulders shook in unison with the lungs that made an effort to take in oxygen, and salty tears began to flow from closed yet pained eyes.

Judai could cry but Johan couldn't.

But that wasn't the fact that made Johan wish he could cry as well.

It was that imagining Judai crying in his sleep was breaking his heart, figuratively though, as he knew he was just a spirit now.

A spirit who was afraid and worried for a friend.

As Judai's tears increased, Johan couldn't keep it in any longer.

'_JUDAI!' _He shouted, putting as much of his feelings in it as he could.

Johan's plead worked as brown-eyes shot open at once, although they were misty with shed tears. Sitting up on his bed, Judai looked at his clock, hands portraying the current time as 2:54 A.M.

The brunette ran his hand through his cheek, only to feel something wet. He traced its path to his eyes. Tears? Then he remembered the emotional cry that got him awake in the first place.

"Johan?" he murmured before remembering that the other boy couldn't hear it like that. He switched to talking in his mind. 'Johan?'

The response was immediate. _'Judai... Are you awake?'_

'Yeah... Was it you who shouted my name?'

'_Yes, it was me... I'm sorry...'_

'Don't worry.' Judai mentally said as he bent down from the bed to pick up his blanket that had fallen on the floor. 'But what made you cry out like that?'

'_You.'_

The brunette froze. It was just one word but it had so much impact. One, it was said with so much sadness and the tone in which Johan said it reminded Judai of the time when he first had transplant rejection and Johan sounded like he was nearing tears then. Two, it made his cheeks flush lightly and heart beat faster for a moment for reasons he didn't know.

'Why...?' It was all he could think of saying.

Johan remained silent for a while, as if contemplating. Then he said in a low voice, '_Judai... You're crying.'_

The brunette was shocked but he tried to cover it up. 'I'm not---'

'_You can't lie to me, Judai.' _Johan interrupted with what Judai thought was anger in his voice. _'I might not be able to see you but our heart tells me what's happening to you.'_

Judai frowned as he rubbed the tears from his eyes. 'Fine, I'm crying right now. But what about it?'

Johan was shouting at this point. _'Because you've been crying in your sleep for a whole straight week now and it's making me very worried for you, that's what!'_

The brunette blanched. He was? He'd never felt like that, but then he was asleep so he wouldn't know. But when he woke up this past week, he did kind of feel his eyes stung a little, but he just shrugged it off. He didn't know it was like this.

Perhaps he was also slightly taken aback by his own outburst as Johan's voice was now calmer. _'Judai... I'm no longer human physically. I no longer have the five senses. In a way, I'm like a heart, because all I can feel now is just your emotions. But emotionally... Perhaps that's the last semblance of my humanity left. Being able to understand what exactly those emotions are. It's a different story if I can just feel what you are feeling. But I'm able to understand them as well, and know how much they affect you. Judai...' _

His voice was soft, and almost pleading. _'I don't care if you think I'm just a voice in your heart and it's not my business at all. But if there's something bothering you... Making you sad... Tell me... and I'll do all that I can to help you and support you. Because it pains me to know that you're sad and I'm here and not doing something... Anything... about it... Please...' _Johan's voice trailed off.

Judai was silent for a while as he thought about what Johan said, letting the emotions behind that statement envelope him slowly. He wrapped his blanket around himself as he sat up on his bed, hugging his knees. It was getting slightly colder and he felt warmer that way, plus it allowed him to think more about what Johan said. He buried his head downwards and all he could see was darkness as he closed his eyes.

Johan, meanwhile, was getting uneasy about the silence. Perhaps he did hurt Judai with what he said. If he did, he berated himself for that. He should have just kept his non-existent mouth shut. But with a stab in his being, he realized that the picture of Judai crying was much worse, and one he'd prefer more to not drag any further.

As time passed, Johan wondered if Judai had fallen back asleep again but then there was a sudden loud thumping of their heart, and the telltale signs that Judai was crying again made Johan panic. _'Judai? Did I make you cry? I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry with what I said---' _

He was interrupted by the brunette saying, 'N-no, Johan... I'm actually happy you told me.' He was crying, yes, but he had a small smile on his face. 'It's me who should be sorry. I kept it all to myself, and by doing that, I made you worry. I thought I was alone but I'm not. Johan, you're a friend, not just a voice in a heart. Really, I was so stupid.' Judai wiped away the onslaught of tears trickling down his face.

'_Judai...' _Johan's voice was nothing short of relieved, glad, and warm.

'I can confide in you, right? I can tell you what's got me so worried all week and you won't mind?' Judai asked with a small childlike voice.

'_Of course I won't mind! I was the one who requested this, didn't I?'_

Judai chuckled, pulling the blanket he wrapped around himself tighter. 'All right, all right. Um... It started when I went for my biopsy last week.'

Johan remained silent as he listened. He remembered that time; Judai was grumbling a little but got through the special check-up just fine. And that's when it hit him, there was a strong pang then, like an arrow hit their heart, albeit not so literally.

'Do you remember?' Judai prompted.

'_Yeah. There was a very strong twinge in our heart then, it shocked me so much. What happened then?'_

Judai blinked as he put a finger to his lips in a gesture of pondering. 'Hm... So that's how you felt it. That's amazing. But anyway, what really happened was... Well, I was about to leave with my mom when we passed by a room with an open door in the hospital. It was another room for check-ups and there was a doctor talking to a girl with her parents...'

'_And then?' _Johan wondered why Judai stopped.

The brunette then suddenly flung himself backwards on his bed, flailing before finally burying his face in his pillow. 'Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh! Now that I really think about it... The more I recall that, the more I realize how stupid I really was! I've been really stupid all week! Sheesh!'

Johan couldn't help chuckling at Judai's childish behaviour, especially his whining mental voice.

'Don't laugh!'

'_Hahaha... O-okay, fine... Ahaha... I won't...'_

'Really, you...' Judai pouted.

Johan stopped, and the brunette took this as a cue to continue with his story. 'I overheard what they were talking about. The doctor was telling them that the girl had dilated cardiomyopathy.'

Why did that sound familiar? Johan thought. Then he gasped when it hit him. _'Isn't that---'_

'---my heart problem? Yep, you're right, Johan. Well, I got really curious so I hung back a bit...'

~0~0~

_Judai tried his best to inch closer to the door without looking too suspicious or disturbing the doctor and the family talking inside (which was really hard to do)._

_The doctor's deep voice wafted to the brunette's ears from inside the mini-clinic. "I'm really sorry to tell you but her condition is in the advanced stages. She needs a heart transplant within a few months or she might not make it. Unfortunately, we only have a few donors at the moment and the chances of her having a match are really low, considering her blood type."_

_Brown eyes widened at that as memories of past came rushing back to him. That day years ago, when he was told nearly the same thing. But this girl's was much worse than his._

_Still, that didn't stop the sudden coldness he felt as a pang of guilt shot into his chest. Here was someone with the same condition as him, on the verge of death, with a smaller hope. Suddenly, the fact that he was alive, recovering and lucky to have received a donor heart became an arrow of remorse that was digging into his soul._

_He would have remained in that shocked and confused state had his mother not called him back._

"_Y-yeah! I'm coming!"_

_But the sad feeling did not go away._

~0~0~

'And then the whole week, I was thinking... What if I had been as unlucky as that girl? What if my condition was much worse than being able to survive for two years? What if your heart did not match mine? What if you were never a donor? And then I think of all the other people who could have possibly been worse off than me, and here I am alive and not dead when I should be. And then I just worry and think of every worst case scenario that I could possibly imagine and every single one that I think of makes me feel guiltier. Yes, I admit: I was feeling guilty the whole week... And yeah, I know that was stupid of me, Johan.'

The brunette was met by total and utter silence.

'Johan?'

His hand started feeling and searching for his blanket. 'Johan, hello?'

'_Oh, Judai... I feel like an idiot.'_

Now that wasn't what Judai was expecting to hear from the other boy. Perhaps even the opposite. 'Huh?'

'_I should have noticed this when I felt that twinge back then. I should have spoken up earlier. You wouldn't have felt like this the whole week if I did. I shouldn't have been a coward, afraid to ask you what's wrong. Judai, I'm really sorry.'_

The brown-haired teen blinked in confusion. 'Johan, there's nothing you have to apologize for. I should be the one saying sorry and thank you to you. I'm sorry I made you worry. Sorry because I was selfish to think that I could just keep this to myself, selfish to not realize that you're always there for me, selfish to think that you're not affected by my actions. And really, thanks for being a friend who will speak up and try to comfort me when I'm down. I really mean it, Johan.'

'_Judai...' _Johan's voice was tender. _'I'm sorry and thank you too. Sorry that I hesitated to speak up and help you, and thank you for being so understanding. It makes me happy that you think of me as a friend, and not a voice. It means so much to me.'_

'Johan...' Judai smiled, eyes shining in light tears and happiness.

'_And... Judai, don't feel guilty about being saved... being alive. You deserve to live. I'm saying this with confidence, not only as a friend, but also as the one who gave you this heart and saved you. Judai, you're a good person. You're kind and understanding... You have your faults but that's because you're still growing up and learning. You have a future ahead of you and I'm happy to have helped you live and be able to reach that future. I don't have any regrets about dying and having my original heart donated if it's someone like you who would benefit from it. Even if we're not in this situation and I'd have never known who you are, I'm still glad that you received this heart. There's no other person I would have been happier to help have a chance to live besides you, Judai.'_

Chocolate-brown eyes were swimming in tears again, but they were of joy this time. He was too choked up in his emotions to say something to Johan. He wanted to say that he was glad too that Johan was there with him, that Johan lived and died as a very comforting and helpful person, and he still was. He practically owed his life to him, and even in death Johan was helping him with his life by supporting him. He had a lot to be thankful for. The foremost, for Johan being who he was.

Johan laughed lightly in a comforting way and in happiness. _'So... From now on... No more trying to hide your feelings from me, okay, Judai?'_

'Yeah! I promise! And if I'm being an idiot because I'm worrying about something pointless again, don't be afraid to give me a good shout and wake-up call, Johan. Seriously, I think you're better at waking me up than my alarm clock will ever be.' He laughed.

'_Promise. But you should really go back to sleep. It must be early morning now. Off to bed!' _Johan shouted playfully.

'It's only past four. And it's a weekend, I don't have classes tomorrow! But fine, I'll humour you this time to make up for this week.' Judai chuckled as he properly settled on his bed and cocooned himself in his blanket.

'_You need to sleep, Judai, and humouring me isn't needed for you to do it,' _Johan said mock-seriously.

'Yes, yes, if you say so~' Judai said in a sing-song voice. 'Good night, Johan!'

Johan felt that he would have smiled if circumstances allowed it. Judai would always be Judai, and he'd never forget his morning and night greetings. _'Good night.'_

The brunette was about to drift into slumber when he remembered something that was niggling his curiosity. 'Johan?'

'_Hm?'_

He felt like laughing at himself for asking such an obviously funny question but he couldn't help it. 'Do you sleep?'

Johan chuckled lightly before saying, _'Nope.'_

Judai burst out laughing underneath his pillow at this point. He suspected it for a while, and it was proven slightly in the talk they just had. How else would Johan have been able to tell he was crying for seven nights straight? If he was sleeping like a normal person, he would have missed at least one or two of those sob nights.

Well, Johan was connected to their heart, after all, and like he said, he was almost like a heart in that he could feel Judai's emotions. But he was also like a heart because he did not sleep. Science did say that the human heart never stops beating from the moment we were conceived, and was pumping blood around the circulatory system 24/7.

And since Johan was one with their heart, not sleeping or stopping just like a heart must be one of the sensations he felt.

But to Judai, it was not a fact that cemented the belief that Johan was no longer a human but a heart in terms of feeling. Rather, it was an assurance that Johan is a spirit and friend who will always be there, ready to support him and help him when he needed it and never failing to lift his spirits up.

And yes, he concluded, that was the reason he could sleep with a smile on his face like this.

**The end**

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Um... It was kind of sappy, I know. But I hope you enjoyed!

So why did I go ahead with this companion fic? The reason is, I love this Spiritshipping AU world, and I've gotten attached to it that ideas just keep popping in my head, even in my sleep and dreams. Yeah, you can expect to see this collection of short fics grow. But yeah, this was my most uncreative title for a chapter yet. xD

And just a little trivia for this chapter: When Judai checked the time when he woke up, it was 2:54 A.M. That was the actual time when I was typing that part in this story. I really did check my clock. And yep, I'm a night owl. xD

Next chapter would most likely be either another everyday life scene for Judai and Johan like this chapter, or I could finally write about Johan's accident and more about his life when he was alive. It depends on what I feel like writing and if I can get my lazy butt to do it. What would you like to see? Maybe you readers can help me decide xD

Review if you please. All comments and suggestions are appreciated.

~Rine-Line


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